I'm coming up on 7 months of employment at El Centro. My application for the National Health Service Corp loan repayment for service is due at the end of the week. Its a two year obligation for paying of about 50% of my student loan debt. This is a good thing, something to be especially grateful for in rocky economic times. Why am I freaking out about it?
It would mean that if I decided to leave my job for any reason before my service obligation was complete I would have to repay the amount dispersed plus 150% interest. The government is pretty serious about this stuff. It means I'm here. I'm committed. I'm nervous.
This should not be making me uncomfortable, but it is. I have itchy feet, mid-winter restlessness. The bloom is off the rose. Everything would be fabulous if I could move to another city, preferably somewhere warmer/cooler/closer to family/farther from family/higher in the mountains/more urban. What do you mean the geographic cure is a placebo?
I've decided not to buy a house. I just don't know if I want to stay here after my service agreement is up. I'm apprehensive about potential relationships; what if something gets serious and they are unwilling to consider relocating? What if that person has a small child (as has been the case with a few men I've dated recently)? Katie will be 18 in three and a half years, and legally I don't need to stick around and hopefully she will fly the nest and be off to college (though I'll still help out financially if I can). Do I really want to spend another 8-10 years helping to raise another child?
Most likely there is too much analysis going on here. I have contradictory needs for consistency and plenty of room to change my mind. What would Buddha do? He'd just sit with the feeling of restlessness, see the fear that it comes from, acknowledge it and let it pass. Let's see if I can do that.