My family made the trek to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. It seemed like there were a lot more of us than usual, but it was hard to tell until we actually all sat down for the meal. My father came from Albuquerque. His wife, Kay, stayed behind with her parents. My middle brother, Josh, brought his wife and all four children and my youngest brother Aaron brought his wife and three year old son. I think the final head count was around 10, but I only fed 8ish. The three year old was at the end of his rope by the time we ate and my nephew Jaden, who has Down's Syndrome, takes his meals through a J-tube.

It was complete chaos and I loved every second of it. Of course, I was in the kitchen the majority of the day. That meant that I didn't have to manage the children. My niece, Alyssa was a huge help. She set the table, snapped the beans, and took out the trash. My nephew Brandon peeled potatoes, took out the compost, and also helped with the table. Dad helped me cook.

My turkey was fabulous. I tried something new this year: a citrus salt rub on the outside. It sounds kind of strange but the salt seals all that moisture inside the bird so that it's incredibly juicy and tender. It was the first time I've cooked a turkey in many, many years and it was spectacular!

When it was time for people to leave, it was bittersweet. I was reminded all day of my sheer good fortune. I have so much love in my life, a beautiful family, great friends, work that feeds my soul, and great health. I only wish I'd taken more pictures.

Self-medicating is the way in which people use mind altering substances to manage anxiety, loneliness, and depression. Schizophrenics smoke cigarettes at much higher rates than people without mental illness and have a harder time quitting. Let's face it; most of us have sub-par coping skills and need something to help us through the scary bits. This doesn't have to be getting high, getting drunk, or smoking. It can be religion, relationships, sex, food, shopping, or gambling.

I have a long history of getting involved with men who are addicts. They had the easily recognizable type of addictions: mostly alcohol and prescription painkillers. We'd do the usual codependent dance before I'd get dizzy and nauseous and then I'd be surprised when the relationship ended in disaster. I've been trying to sort out the reason why this particular cycle keeps repeating itself. It's because relationships and sex are my addictions. They are the way that I cover up the anxiety I feel, the darkness of loneliness and my fear that I won't be loved. That I'll die old and alone and my fifty german shepherds will devour my corpse because no one will notice that I'm gone.

One of the first things that a person who is self medicating has to do is stop doing what she's been doing because it isn't fixing the problem. The solution is making the problem worse. Then she needs to address the underlying damage, the "why". The why is low self esteem and fear. The real solution is love.

I'm not talking about more relationships, more sex. I'm talking about loving yourself and recognizing the love that's already there under our noses. Our friends, families (as dysfunctional as they are), our pets, your particular version of divinity. These are all sources of brilliant, warm, unflinching adoration and love. Holy cow! Most of the time we don't even recognize how lucky we are. It's an embarrassment of riches!

The other major part of recovering from addiction is abstaining from the thing that has been covering up the fear in such a self destructive fashion. Alcoholics have to stop drinking. Drug addicts have to stop using. Relationship addicts have to be single. We all have to go through a period of detox in order to deal with the frightening darkness. There's no way to deal with the darkness without the light of love.

I'm going to keep working on this. I'm no longer willing to do the codependent hokey-pokey. I'm going to learn some new dance steps.

I'm Ba-ack!

Well, hello there. I'm sure all three of my followers have long since given up on me and my blog. I'd nearly given up on it as well. But it's been an interesting year+, I'm about to turn 40, and I figure there's some self examination coming due.


Here are the highlights of 2009-10;
1. Relationships with two lovely men that, in the end, I could not commit to for various reasons.
2. Bought the midlife crisis mobile, a 2002 sunburst yellow mazda miata.
3. Katie turned 16 and we went to New Orleans in July. Hot. No joke.
4. A couple of near-misses with family members. Fortunately, they are still with us.
5. Another trip to New Orleans last December and a Southern coastal odyssey in March that began in North Carolina and ended in Florida. We rescued that trip from the flames and don't ever want to repeat it.
6. Started training for my first triathlon.
7. Learned to swim to prepare for first triathlon.
8. Moved from my house in the country to a cute little place 4 blocks from work. It's not nearly cold here but it's only November.
9. Three patients died by their own hands.
10. Began to examine my spirituality from a different angle.
11. Rode 40 miles in the Santa Fe Century, farther than I'd ridden ever, then went to bed for ten days with the flu.
12. Chickens. Wanda. No Chickens.
13. Ran my very first 5k race, the Duke City Marathon. I started training for that race when I was twenty, hurt my knee, got distracted with several cute guys and finished with big 'ol grin on my face, faster than I though I would. With food poisoning and 3 hours of sleep.

What's Coming Up:
1. Polar Bear Triathlon. If there's a hard way to do something, I'll do it. A triathlon. In December. Non-standard distances. Instead of a 5k run, it's a 7k. Instead of a 12 mile bike ride, it's 20 miles. And the swim is at the end. My goal is not to drown.

2. My 40th Birthday. With it, a big party with friends coming into town from all over and free lift passes from Sipapu Ski Resort.

3. Big Christmas Vacation. Beach, Katie, good friends, fish tacos.

4. Living single for a while. Yeah, I know I've said that before.


Yes, it's been an eventful time. There are a few goals for the upcoming year;

1. Grow my community here in Las Vegas. I'm going to be here, it seems, for a while longer. The people that I've met are wonderful, warm, and fascinating and I want more of that. I'm not sure how that's going to work, but I'm keeping myself open to opportunities.

2. Compete in more races; triathlons, 5k's, 10k's, whatever. The thought of a 1/2 marathon crossed my mind, but let's not get crazy. Crossing that first finish line with the cheering crowds with the endorphins kicking in was an unbelievable experience. More of that, too, please.

3. 2011 is a travel year. The itinerary is a little vague right now, though.

4. Continue to explore the interesting turn my spirituality is taking. More on that as we go.

5. Take some time to really be alone. Previously, I've removed myself for three months from relationships. Now a year or more may be in order. This will be discussed ad nauseum for the next 12 months or until I get my head screwed on straight. Not for the delicate constitutions.

6. Rebuild my savings account. I'm not broke by any means, but my accounts took a few hits this year. A little more discipline is in order.

So, there.

See ya in a few days.

Where did I put my summer?

I've been out of the blog-o-sphere for the last two and a half months. Katie came for the summer and it seemed like every waking minute was packed. We went white water rafting, she had friends come to visit, and we spend a few days in Pagosa Springs. Katie got some babysitting gigs and took art lessons. I got a new bike, a fabulous Bianchi Volpe that I ride all the time. I rode in two charity events in Albuquerque; one for the American Diabetes Association and the other for NM AIDS Services. In September I'm planning to ride the century in the Durango Fall Blaze and Celebration. Hopefull, 'll be up for the mileage and the crazy climbs!

My twenty year high school reunion was last month. Whoah! That was a little weird. There were a few folks with whom I was glad to reconnect, most I already had via the magic of Facebook, but others I didn't remember. It was like one of those strange dreams where you are supposed to be taking a test, but it's in a language you never studied.

Anyway, the activity isn't looking like it's going to slow down. I'll get some pictures up pretty soon and try and keep the blog interesting for the three of you who read it.

New Mexico has some of the best weather in the United States. Over 300 days of sunshine, relatively mild winters at the lower elevations and, north of Albuquerque at least, summers that aren't painfully hot. Consequently we are weather wimps. We don't know how to drive with anything wet or white on the road. Most of us have dry rot on our windsheild wipers and umbrellas are something we buy when we get ready to go out of town.

Yes, we have our summer monsoon season; those lovely afternoon thunderstorms in the summer that cool things off and keep things green (as green as it gets in most of the state). But at most those storms last for about an hour. We consider them more like mood swings than real weather trends.

For the last few days, it has been cloudy and rainy here in Las Vegas. This is great because our moisture has been pretty sporadic since January and we were looking at a nasty fire season. A collective sigh of relief has gone up across Northern New Mexico. That sigh lasted until this morning when we looked out side and said "What the hell? Why is it still raining? When is it going to stop? Are we going to have to build an arc?"

The forecast calls for thunderstorms through the weekend and 80% chance of showers daily through next weekend.

WHAT?

My Stars

This is my friend Lillian. Lillian is one of the most wonderful, formidable women I know. She's a single parent to a gorgeous, talented, athletic daughter. She's the second generation operator of a 1200 acre ranch east of Las Vegas. I'm not sure how many cattle she has but she tends them diligently. Her little cabin was a stone barn that she and her daughter restored, plastered, and expanded by hand. It has no electricity and no running water, just a cistern, a wood burning stove, and a lantern. The two of them created roadways on the ranch with a pick and a shovel. Whenever she and I get together we laugh like little kids. She was my first friend here in Las Vegas.


One of the interesting things about Lillian, but certainly not her defining feature, is that she has Multiple Sclerosis. However, she doesn't define herself by her illness. To her, it's a reason to creatively adapt.

Because she know's she won't be able to manage the strenuous responsibilities of ranching forever, she's created a plan. She's opened her ranch as a photographer's retreat and gives tours for other people as well. So far, besides the photographers, she's hosted botanists, hikers, and archeologists.



She's also restoring a one room schoolhouse on her property to serve as a bed and breakfast so that guests can stay for a while.

One of the things I love about Lillian is her cheerfullness. She always has a positive attitude, even when she's out of energy for the day. I think this is what has kept her mobile despite her illness.

So, if you're out our way, see if you can book a little tour with Lillian.

More Love Lessons from La Loma

Mrs. R. came in today for an exam and a mammogram referral. She's been in to see me quite a few times for other things and we have a nice, relaxed rapport. The exam was "unremarkable" (though no woman wants to hear that her breasts are "unremarkable", even at 67). We joked a little bit and she made a comment about being a nun. It turns out that her husband of 48 years had a massive heart attack a few years ago and that was the end of physical intimacy.

Now, at this point I was running a bit behind on a very busy morning. So busy that I spent lunchtime working on charts and finishing prescriptions. But Mrs. R. kept talking and I kept listening. She told me about the love she and her husband had for each other. How they still make each other laugh after almost 50 years together. How they occasionally bicker about stupid things and annoy each other. But that's what you have to put up with for that kind of longevity and those kinds of rewards.

I've been doing a bit of reading and thinking about being single and being in relationship. An article I read this morning about the tendencies of Gen X-er's to marry late or not at all said that we lacked the ability to commit, we're always looking for the end of the rainbow. If you've ever looked for the end of the rainbow, you know that it's elusive. So elusive that it doesn't exist. We're searching for a perfection in another person or a situation or a job that we do not have in ourselves. We have little tolerance for frustration. Ergo, we may have even less success at relationships that our parents, the baby-boomers. Hard to believe, I know.

So, committment means is standing still with an open heart. Not standing with one foot out the door, ready to run at the first sign of trouble. It's taking the laughter and the fear and the mess and the joy altogether.