decisions, decisions

Once again, I'm considering purchasing a house. I love my current place. Its out in the country next to the river. There are hawks and owls and kingfishers that hunt in my backyard. Its peaceful and the stars are beautiful. The rent is also fairly high (especially for a single girl). The wonderful 18 foot ceilings and wall of windows make heating the place expensive and my landlords have made it fairly clear they don't appreciate me asking for repairs on the house. I've spent some wonderful mornings drinking coffee on the porch in my pajamas watching the birds and listening to the quiet.

Right now there are two real estate possibilities. One is a little 1940's bungalow in town. It needs a new roof and probably could use double-paned windows but has a fabulous interior and is really convenient to work. The other place is a little farther outside town from where I'm at now. Its passive solar, has a great view of the valley but is a bit small and has a smallish lot. Both of them are in the right price range for me and with a few improvements will most likely have a good resale value.

It really gets into my committment issues, which is a bit ridiculous. One of the reasons I'm in Las Vegas is so that I can get the National Health Service Corps loan repayment for rural health care providers. That's a committment of at least 3-4 years. Basically, I'm an indentured servant. If I walk away before the contract is up I'll have to pay something like 150% interest on the monies paid by the government. Buying a house should be a financial decision, not emotional. But I don't have a tattoo for the same reason... What if I hate it, what if I change my mind, what if the floor sags?

A friend from work is looking at houses right now. I'm going to call his real estate agent and see what comes up.

Woohoo, Jazzfest

I have booked the big trip for the year. I'm headed off to Jazz fest in New Orleans with my freind Julie and maybe, just maybe, Amy too (we're working on her resistance, she's trying to be all fiscally responsible on us). The three of us havent done a girls weekend for almost 2 years. We're renting a little carriage house that's only 5 minutes from the fairgrounds and about 15 minutes from the quarter. Its absolutely wonderful, has a kitchen and a clawfoot tub. This is going to be a ridiculous amount of fun. Girlfreinds, Aretha Franklin, oysters and New Orleans the muse; it doesn't get much better.

Short post. Here's a picture of the blizzard the day before Christmas Eve.

my pretty flowers

Katie and I picked up an orchid at Trader Joe's before she left. It seems to be very happy here. I've always been reluctant to get an orchid plant, because I thought they were high maintenance. Not true at all.

Duke Ellington and All That Jazz

I'm not sure where the day went, but it sure left in a hurry. Now its the end, lots of things got done and I'm working on making space. Not the "cleaning the closet" sort of space but the "cleaning out the head" sort of space.

One of my mentors, way back in the day, told me that there is fertility in emptyness, that until there is a void, creativity is stifled. When he told me this I was seventeen years old. I thought I understood what he meant. That was before I acquired emotional baggage and furniture and a file cabinet full of check stubs and tax returns from the last seven years.

Being single after a couple of decades of serial monogamy is a scary proposition. It means sitting still and not chasing the wind. Its learning to sooth that anxious feeling that comes up from the pit of the stomach when it would feel so much better to call someone, anyone, to feel some sort of connection with another human being. It means walking through the dark alley of longing and regret without panicking about the boogy monster (who is me anyway).

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire for anything other than what we are or what we have in this moment. Now is perfect, it is as it is. I have always had some difficulty with this idea. Isn't suffering also caused by circumstances outside our control? If we didn't have desires, how would we educate ourselves, feed ourselves, take care of our loved ones, or create art? Those things stem from desire. They are all good things.

I think the difference is this: does the desire cause unhappiness or joy? Does the desire come from a place of compassion or fear? Compassionate desire can save the world. Desire that comes from fear has nearly destroyed it.

By no means have I got this all figured out. I get angry, petulant, resentful, depressed and a host of other negative emotions. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. But I'm working on it.

Another reason to be grateful for good health

In the rural medicine rule book, section a part 2, we read that patients with heart complaints may not present to the clinic until 30-45 minutes before the close of business. This ensures that any plan that the health care provider, nurse, or office manager may have had at the end of the day are thoroughly smashed.

Part 3 of the same section states that the amount of time that the 911 dispatcher needs to decide where the patient should be taken is directly proportional to the amount of oxygen that the patient requires to decrease his shortness of breath.

It must also take 30 minutes for the EMT's to establish an IV in a hypotensive patient with chest pain.

Emergency vehicles will be in violation of said rule book if they follow the route to the hospital that they took to the clinic, thus making their total time from dispatch to hospital less than 3 hours.

Did I mention that I do a lot of praying these days?

Big Ball o Crud

I stayed home sick today. My sinus passages are loaded with mucus, I have a barking cough that is reminiscent of the mating call of a leopard seal. I'm alternating between sweating through my clothes and shaking chills. Sounds like fun, huh?

I caught up on my daytime tv including the Anthony Bourdain marathon. Love that guy, there's something about a tall, neurotic, intelligent man who can cook that just turns my crank. Lots of risk taking behavior and a smart ass attitude. That's more testosterone than you can shake a stick at. It's not the healthiest archetype, but it sure is fun.

It would be great to say that I spent the day soul searching and considering my new years resolutions but that would be dishonest. I spent the day stoned on nyquil, dozing in and out of consciousness, eating soup and leftovers. I'm going to pop a few more of those bad boys before bed and hopefully be well enough tomorrow to hit the ground running.

A Dr. Zhivago kind of day

Its snowing again. There's 2-3 inches on my porch, no wind and I'm trying to decide if I should head off to the store now or take the chance that its going to clear up later. Braving the weather might keep the melancholy at bay for a bit longer.

Katie went home yesterday. We had such a wonderful visit and I always hate taking her back. It leaves a void that I can't fill. There have been shifts in my relationships that need accomodating and a great, aching need for healing. Moving up here has given me the chance to rest from the chaos of PA school and my divorce. Now I think its time for the rehabilitation.

One of my goals for this year is to go deeper into meditation and yoga, hopefully to become less susceptible to the emotional winds that push me off balance. I'll have to cultivate some discipline or at least unpack it from that PA school box that I put away. I don't have any problem creating structure in my life but there are so many distractions and no sense of urgency. I suppose that sense of urgency will have to be created as well.

Right. Off to the store with me.